7: Struggling for inspiration

When I started this blog, I resolved to myself that I would write whatever was pressing on my mind at the time of writing. The primary purpose behind this is to organically drive my self-expression and not get any direction from reader feedback. As I mentioned in my first post, as a people-pleaser I have been attuned to respond to what people want from me. I intuitively gauge what people want from me, and correspondingly react to different people. If you ask my friends to describe me, I bet they will all narrate a different version of myself. All this happens at a subconscious level, and I only realize it after it’s been done. Ultimately, it leads to a confusion about who I really am as I struggle to sort through the different versions of myself to find the real me. This blog, however, is an attempt to break free from that mold and hence I avoid thinking about the feedback to my posts. If I do not know what people want to read, I fall back on what I want to write.

Usually, morning is the best time to write. That’s the time when my head is buzzing with ideas and I’m energetic enough to pen them down. Today, however, is an exception. After a long day of clerical work, my mind is left with no inspiration but to talk about the lack of inspiration itself. I do have a list of tentative ideas to write about, but I don’t want to start on them until I really feel what I am writing about. So, until the next morning.

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