16: What I fear the most right now

I am the kind of person who becomes one with the people I am physically present with. With people I forge new bonds; I laugh with them, listen to their stories and become completely invested in their lives. Occasionally, you meet some people who become a part of your story and you feel love and joy and sorrow like no other. When that happens, you wish that you could remember that feeling forever, because nothing lasts forever and when the time comes, you will have to say goodbye. But no pictures, videos or paintings can capture what you feel now. That rapturous feeling of joy, that seething agony of longing, that sense of overflowing love which introduces you to new depths of your heart, they can’t be captured. They are only etched in your memory like writings on the sand. As the new waves come, the letters begin to fade. That is scary if you cherish what you wrote. If you took years to write what you did, if the writing is a part of you. Soon the love you feel right now will become a distant memory. One day you will ask yourself, did I really feel that love for someone. Did I really cry for that relationship? Did I really try that hard to save a friendship? What you do right now won’t make sense later and yet it would make all the sense in the world. That’s the curse of memory. It is susceptible to erosion and corruption. I wish we had a pensive for feelings, where people would be transported to how they felt at a particular stage in their lives. But that’s not how things work. Life is like a mandala, you take days to painstakingly  create a beautiful pattern, but once the show is over you wipe it all out and forget that it ever existed. You proceed to make a new mandala. You start making new memories.


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