16: What I fear the most right now

I am the kind of person who becomes one with the people I am physically present with. With people I forge new bonds; I laugh with them, listen to their stories and become completely invested in their lives. Occasionally, you meet some people who become a part of your story and you feel love and joy and sorrow like no other. When that happens, you wish that you could remember that feeling forever, because nothing lasts forever and when the time comes, you will have to say goodbye. But no pictures, videos or paintings can capture what you feel now. That rapturous feeling of joy, that seething agony of longing, that sense of overflowing love which introduces you to new depths of your heart, they can’t be captured. They are only etched in your memory like writings on the sand. As the new waves come, the letters begin to fade. That is scary if you cherish what you wrote. If you took years to write what you did, if the writing is a part of you. Soon the love you feel right now will become a distant memory. One day you will ask yourself, did I really feel that love for someone. Did I really cry for that relationship? Did I really try that hard to save a friendship? What you do right now won’t make sense later and yet it would make all the sense in the world. That’s the curse of memory. It is susceptible to erosion and corruption. I wish we had a pensive for feelings, where people would be transported to how they felt at a particular stage in their lives. But that’s not how things work. Life is like a mandala, you take days to painstakingly  create a beautiful pattern, but once the show is over you wipe it all out and forget that it ever existed. You proceed to make a new mandala. You start making new memories.

13: Letting go

The most difficult part of losing something, a person, a dream or a memory, is to surrender and accept things for what they are. You see the person, the dream or the memory fading away, and all you want in that instance is to hold tight. But, the more you try the more you fall apart and sink deeper in the pain. It’s like riding a roller coaster or trying to survive in a quicksand. You have to be able to give up and let go, in order to survive. The person, the dream, and the memory may be precious to you, and you might feel that you won’t be able to live without them. They might be the best thing that happened to you, and gave the desire to live. But their value is not absolute, it’s all relative to you. The value of a person, a dream or a memory cannot be more than life itself, your life. You have to lose control first, in order to gain it back. For when you let life nurture and flow like a river, many new people will enter your world, that lost dream will make its way for another, the faded memory will be replaced by a more vivid one. You have to believe in the possibilities that life has to offer.

Imagine yourself in a train journey, the first destination might have been amazing but don’t get stuck there. If we stay in one place for long enough, we become obsolete. Allow yourself the chance to explore many more destinations in your life. Give yourself the chance to get back on your journey and who knows you might end up at the same places where you started.